The Kriaper
by EVAN67
Summary: Jerry gets a houseguest, Kramer try's to improves something and George goes to Las Vegas.


The Kriaper  
  
Jerry gets a houseguest, Kramer try's to improves something and George goes to Las Vegas.  
  
I wrote this story pretty quick, I was on the fence if I even wanted to post it, let me know if you think it's funny. Please review and be honest, I can take it. If there are any spelling or grammatical errors its due to the fact I was lazy when checking it. I own no Seinfeld characters  
  
Jerry is standing at the couch when Kramer enters the apartment.  
  
Kramer: Hey buddy.  
  
Jerry: Cosmo.  
  
Kramer: Jerry can I borrow your computer, I need to send an e-mail?  
  
Jerry: Send an email I cant believe you even know how to use a computer.  
  
Kramer: I'll let you know I have been taking computer courses at PS28 every night for the past two weeks.  
  
Jerry: So you take the courses yet you don't own a computer  
  
Kramer: Oh I'll never own a computer.  
  
Jerry: Why not?  
  
Kramer: Come on Jerry! Those things can think, one day when computers revolt and kill there owners I'll be the only one left alive.  
  
Jerry: What'd you do watch Terminator last night.  
  
Kramer: Yeah and this morning I destroyed my VCR.  
  
Jerry: Just send your email.  
  
Kramer walks over and sits down in front of the computer and starts typing his email. The buzzer goes off.  
  
Jerry: Yeah.  
  
George: It's George.  
  
Jerry hits the buzzer and then walks over to Kramer.  
  
Jerry: Who are you writing to any way?  
  
Kramer: My Pen Pal.  
  
Jerry: Where does he live?  
  
Kramer: Firstly it's a she and she lives in New Jersey.  
  
Jerry: Kramer aren't Pen Pals supposed to live in other countries?  
  
Kramer: No there's no rule about Pen Pals.  
  
Jerry: How long has this been going on?  
  
Kramer: Ten years.  
  
Jerry: You've been corresponding with some for ten years who lives twenty minutes away. Have you ever met?  
  
Kramer: No because we're pen pals. Come on Jerry!  
  
George walks in.  
  
George: Hey.  
  
Jerry: George get this Kramer has a pen pal for ten years they never met only write to each other.  
  
George: What's so odd about that?  
  
Jerry: Kramer tell him where your pen pal lives.  
  
Kramer: New Jersey.  
  
George: Why not call?  
  
Kramer: If I call we wont be pen pals any more, just a pals.  
  
Jerry shakes his head.  
  
George: Any way Jerry, Steinbrenner wants me to represent the Yankees in Las Vegas at the Sports writer's awards Dinner and its going to be televised.  
  
Jerry: George that's great!  
  
Kramer: Listen to this my Pen Pal is coming into the city tomorrow.  
  
Jerry: That's good news you can finally meet after all these years.  
  
Kramer: I don't know if that's such a good thing.  
  
George: Why?  
  
Kramer: Well that would mean she got released from prison.  
  
Jerry: Prison?  
  
Kramer: Oh yeah she did ten years for a string of bank robberies and now needs a place to stay for a couple of days.  
  
George: Bank robberies? How many?  
  
Kramer: Eight.  
  
Jerry: You've been corresponding with a career criminal.  
  
Kramer: Who knew she would get out.  
  
George: I dated a con its not so bad.  
  
Jerry: George she escaped to see you .  
  
George: Yeah but the sex was great.  
  
Jerry: Kramer just keep her away from my stuff.  
  
Kramer: I told her all about you Jerry, she wants to meet you.  
  
Jerry: Great next you'll tell me she is staying here.  
  
Kramer: You can't expect her to stay with me I don't have a bed.  
  
George: Where do you sleep.  
  
Kramer: In the closet standing up like an astronaut, it's great for my back.  
  
Jerry: Well she isn't staying here John Glenn.  
  
Kramer: Jerry come on now! She just got out of jail, know where to go, have a heart!  
  
Jerry: No way Kramer not this time.  
  
Kramer: I have picture of her.  
  
Kramer takes a picture out of his front pocket.  
  
Jerry: Man oh Man oh shevitz, she's pretty.  
  
George: Let me see.  
  
Kramer hand George the picture.  
  
George: Holy cow, she can stay with me.  
  
Kramer: I don't think she wants to meet you George.  
  
George: Why not.  
  
Kramer: I told her all about you she thinks you're insane.  
  
George: Insane, I'm not insane!  
  
Kramer: George we all know you're not playing with a full deck.  
  
George: That's just great I have a moron telling me I'm insane. Jerry am I insane?  
  
Jerry: Well the jury stills out.  
  
George: I'll let you know there is not one person in my family who was ever been committed to a mental hospital.  
  
Jerry: Voluntarily committed.  
  
George: My Aunt Ida doesn't count she married into the family, not blood!  
  
Kramer: So Jerry what do you say, I'll be right across the hall, we can even get a baby monitor just in case something happens I'll hear the whole thing then come bursting in like a super hero.  
  
Jerry: No way, I don't want some convict, even a pretty one staying here.  
  
Kramer: You know Jerry what about given people second chance.  
  
Jerry: What's that have to do with it, I don't even know her.  
  
Kramer: Jerry, did you ever hear the word compassion?  
  
Jerry: Alright!  
  
Kramer: Thank you, now can I borrow fifty dollars.  
  
Jerry: What for?  
  
Kramer: The baby monitor, you can't expect me to pay for it.  
  
Jerry: No of course not.  
  
Jerry reaches in his wallet and hands Kramer the $50.00. Kramer runs out of the apartment.  
  
Jerry: So you must be excited to be on TV, represent the Yankees and Mr. Steinbrenner.  
  
George: I'm flying there in the Yankee Jet.  
  
Jerry: The Yankee Jet, really moving up in the corporate word.  
  
George: I was excited till my father found out and now he's coming.  
  
Jerry: You're taking Frank Costanza on the Yankee Jet to an awards show in Las Vegas. Oh yeah that sounds like a good idea.  
  
George: You're telling me, I told my mother and she told my father.  
  
Jerry: Good luck.  
  
George: I'll need more than luck.  
  
Jerry: Wait till security gets hold of him. When is this supposed to happen anyway.  
  
George: We're flying out tomorrow afternoon and we'll be back in one day. So you'll drive us to the airport?  
  
Jerry: One day?  
  
George: Do you think I want to spend more than a day with my father?  
  
Jerry: You make a good point.  
  
George: So you'll drive us?  
  
Jerry: No.  
  
George: Come on Jerry, Steinbrenner refuses to pay for carfare any more.  
  
Jerry: Why?  
  
George: Some employees were taking their own cars then sending in fake expense reports. You know to get the money.  
  
Jerry: You got caught didn't you?  
  
George: Yeah. So what do you say, you'll drive us.  
  
Jerry: Yeah, I'll do it.  
  
George: Great I'll meet you here tomorrow at one.  
  
Jerry: Looking forward to it.  
  
*****  
  
Jerry and Elaine are at Monks sitting in a booth.  
  
Jerry: So listen to this Georgey boy is representing the Yankees at a televised event in Las Vegas.  
  
Elaine: Get out!  
  
Jerry: Not only that but he's taking his father.  
  
Elaine: That's got to be something, Frank Costanza in Las Vegas. Could you see him at a black jack table.  
  
Jerry: (Pretending to sound like Frank Costanza) I said hit me you idiot! Why the hell you throw me ten you made be bust!  
  
Elaine: Hahahaha.  
  
Jerry: Thank god there taking the Yankee Jet and not a commercial flight.  
  
Kramer walks in.  
  
Jerry: So where's this pen pal?  
  
Kramer: I told her to meet me here. I don't know if I want her to know where I live.  
  
Jerry: Kramer she's been sending you letters for the past ten years.  
  
Kramer: Good point.  
  
Elaine: Pen Pal?  
  
Jerry: Oh yeah Kramer has been corresponding with an Inmate in Jersey who just got released and is staying with me.  
  
Elaine: That hard up hey Jerry?  
  
Jerry: Very funny.  
  
Kramer: Oh I got the baby monitor and I noticed they make diapers for adults so I picked up a package.  
  
Jerry: Diapers what are you going to do with diapers, you can't possibly want to wear them?  
  
Kramer: Oh you'd be surprised at how comfortable they are.  
  
Elaine: Your not, no way are you wearing one?  
  
Kramer: Not only am I wearing a pair but Ahhhhhhh, I'm using it as we speak.  
  
Jerry and Elaine both make a disgusted look on there faces and move down to the end of the booth . Jerry: Kramer! Kramer: What! It's so liberating, plus I don't have to take time out of my busy day to constantly run to the bathroom.  
  
Jerry: Busy day , people in comas do more than you in a day.  
  
Elaine: I know dead people who do more then you in a day.  
  
Jerry: Most people try to avoid wearing diapers once they are out of them.  
  
Kramer: What are you talking about I can do two number ones before I have to change. You'd be surprised at how absorbent they are.  
  
Jerry: Ok I'm out of here.  
  
Elaine: Right behind you .  
  
Kramer: Jerry here she is.  
  
A blonde woman walks in the diner and heads towards Kramer and Jerry.  
  
Margaret: Kramer?  
  
Kramer: Mama your better looking then your picture.  
  
Margaret: And you're just as I expected.  
  
Kramer: This is Elaine and Jerry. Remember I told you you'd be staying with him for a few days till you get your things in order.  
  
Margaret: Right. Nice to meet you Jerry.  
  
Jerry: Nice to meet you .  
  
Kramer: Ok I got a go and change my di . uh uh uh oil in my car.  
  
Kramer runs out.  
  
Jerry: Margaret, sit down.  
  
Elaine: Yeah I'm out of here also, nice to meet you.  
  
Elaine leaves and sitting at the table is Jerry and Margaret.  
  
Margaret: Kramer tells me you're a comedienne that's must be interesting.  
  
Jerry: Well, I can tell you I never run out of material living next door to Kramer.  
  
Margaret: Yeah he's out there alright.  
  
Jerry: He's so far out there he's circling Jupiter. Enough about him tell me how you wound up in Prison.  
  
Margaret: Long story short my getaway driver had to pee so he stepped out of the car just when I was getting in by the time he got back, the cops were there.  
  
Jerry: Wow, all because he had to pee, what's the odds.  
  
*****  
  
Jerry is back in his apartment sitting on the couch watching TV when the buzzer goes off.  
  
Jerry: Yeah.  
  
George: It's George.  
  
Jerry hits the buzzer and opens his door then goes back to the couch. A few seconds later Kramer runs in forgetting the door is open and falls on his backside.  
  
Jerry: Kramer you all right.  
  
Kramer: Yeah I fell on my but lucky it's loaded, it's like falling on a cushion of warm water.  
  
Jerry just looks at him and steps away.  
  
Jerry: Don't sit down anywhere.  
  
Kramer: What! C'mon Jerry, the edges are sealed up nice and tight, no leakage.  
  
Jerry: What about seepage?  
  
Kramer: Don't you worry. I redesigned them they fill up like a waterbed I can know hold 3 times the original amount and lets not even talk about number two.  
  
Jerry: Yeah lets not.  
  
Kramer: Where's Margaret?  
  
Jerry: She said she had a few things to take care of today.  
  
Kramer: It didn't include a ski mask?  
  
Jerry: What do you know?  
  
Kramer: Nothing, she just happen to come by this morning and wanted to borrow my ski mask.  
  
Jerry: Kramer, you know what this means.  
  
Kramer: She wants to keep her face warm when she goes out today.  
  
Jerry: It's May.  
  
Kramer: You don't think?  
  
Jerry: Yeah I think so Scherlock.  
  
Kramer: Oh boy.  
  
George and Frank walk into Jerry's apartment.  
  
George: Jerry you ready.  
  
Frank: Lets go I want to try and get a seat by the bathroom! And why the hell didn't Steinbrenner send us a limo to the airport!  
  
Jerry: Yeah why not George?  
  
George: George has to go the bathroom.  
  
Jerry: Don't people usually want to sit in the bulkhead Mr. Costanza?  
  
Frank: Listen Jerry, at my age I need to be with in five feet of a bathroom at all times.  
  
Kramer: Hey Frank I hear you're going to Las Vegas.  
  
Frank: Yeah my boy here is taking his old man.  
  
Kramer: You know I have a solution to your bathroom problem, come with me.  
  
Kramer and Frank walk out and go to Kramer's apartment.  
  
George: What's that about.  
  
Jerry: You don't want to know, believe me.  
  
George: Where's Margaret, I want to let her know I'm not insane.  
  
Jerry: I think you'll have plenty of time to email her in the near future.  
  
George: So have you, you know?  
  
Jerry; Yeah but she's a little odd, I don't think she's adjusting well to the outside.  
  
George: Why?  
  
Jerry: Last night at around one in the morning we're sleeping in my bed the next thing I know she wakes me, says get out before the guards catch me. She hands me a pack of smokes tells me to be quite or I'll wind up in the hole.  
  
George: That's strange.  
  
Jerry: You ain't kidding.  
  
Kramer and Frank walk back into the apartment.  
  
George: Alright lets go.  
  
Frank: What's the rush, Jerry pour me a glass of prune juice.  
  
George: I thought you wanted a seat by the bathroom?  
  
Jerry: Kramer you didn't!  
  
Kramer: I most certainly did. He's good for the flight out and the cab ride to the hotel.  
  
George: What are you talking about.  
  
Frank: I'M WEARING A DIAPER!  
  
George: Oh god.  
  
Kramer: Not just any diaper a Kriaper.  
  
Jerry: A Kriaper?  
  
Kramer: That's right, I designed a new one for the man on the go. It holds three times as much as the normal adult diaper.  
  
Jerry: That's just gross.  
  
Kramer is standing by the fridge and starts ohhing and ahhing.  
  
Jerry: Kramer your not!  
  
Kramer: Oh yeah.  
  
Frank: Right back at ya Cosmo. Ohhhhhhh that's the one.  
  
George: Oh my God.  
  
There's a knock on the door. Jerry answers it and standing there is Newman.  
  
Newman: Hello Jerry  
  
Jerry: Hello Newman.  
  
Newman: Hey Kramer thanks for the pair of Kriapers, I was able to do my whole route with not one bathroom stop. Of course by my last delivery I weighed an additional ten pounds. (Starts laughing)  
  
Jerry: Newman the thought of that alone makes me never want to use the mail again let alone lick a stamp.  
  
Newman: It's a normal bodily function, I see no shame in saying I wear a diaper and I'm proud or it. Matter of fact I almost recommended it to my supervisor but then realized if I did that he might give us more mail to deliver. He's a slave driver I tell you , always yelling. Why are you late, why is your uniform covered in mayo, stop stealing everyone's lunch out of the refrigerator!  
  
Kramer: Newman!  
  
Newman: Sorry. So can I get a few more pairs? I'm gong to an all you can eat buffet restaurant, and usually when I get up to go to the bathroom they clear my plate so I don't sit down again but with these on I can sit there for hours. HAHAHAHA.  
  
Jerry: Your disgusting.  
  
Newman: Save it Seinfeld.  
  
Kramer: Yeah come back later.  
  
Newman walks out of the apartment.  
  
Kramer: See Jerry there catching on. So can I get you a couple of pairs, you know for when your on the stage.  
  
Jerry: That's it get out  
  
Kramer leaves, Jerry goes into his bedroom and comes out with a dry cleaning bag.  
  
Jerry: Frank sit on this in the car.  
  
The three leave the apartment on the way to the airport.  
  
****  
  
Elaine is sitting behind her desk looking at some papers when Kramer walks in.  
  
Elaine: Kramer what are you doing here.  
  
Kramer: You still work for the Peterman catalog?  
  
Elaine: Look around idiot where do you think you are.  
  
Kramer: Oh right. I want you to market my Kriaper.  
  
Elaine: Kriaper?  
  
Kramer: My adult diaper. I redesigned it, now it holds three times the amount of waste plus it comes in four very nice colors.  
  
Elaine: Kramer, J. Peterman is not in the adult diaper business.  
  
Kramer: Elaine think of the market this would open the catalog to.  
  
Elaine: Yeah old men who crap their pants.  
  
Kramer: Old men with money who crap their pants.  
  
Peterman comes in the office and Kramer's diaper is full so his but is rather large.  
  
Peterman: Mr. Kramer, it seems you have put on some weight, your buttocks are as large as a Russian Grandmothers in January.  
  
Kramer turn around trying to see his but and winds up spinning in circles.  
  
Kramer: Oh Ma Ma! How long have I been wearing this. Yahhhhh it must be six hours.  
  
Kramer runs out of Elaine's office as he runs it looks like his but cheeks are going up and down like they are very flabby.  
  
Peterman: He's an odd fellow Elaine, why was here any way.  
  
Elaine: Something about adult diapers.  
  
Peterman: Ah yes, the adult diaper, how I longed to devise a diaper that could hold three times the amount of the regular diaper. But I digress an impossibility, but if I could and add that to our catalog we would corner the senior citizen market.  
  
Elaine: Why is it impossible.  
  
Peterman: The absorbent when mixed with lets say bodily releases, plus heat after time causes a chemical reaction.  
  
Elaine: A chemical reaction?  
  
Peterman: Methane.  
  
Elaine: Gas?  
  
Peterman: Mix that with human flatulence and talk about a hot seat.  
  
****  
  
Kramer is running down the street he stops at a hot dog cart, buys a chilidog eats it and then starts running again.  
  
****  
  
Inside Jerry's apartment  
  
Margaret: Jerry, I'm leaving thanks for letting me stay with you, tell Kramer I'll write.  
  
Jerry: Where are you going?  
  
Margaret: To turn my self in.  
  
Jerry: For what?  
  
Margaret: You know the bank on the corner well lets just say its fifty thousand dollars lighter.  
  
Jerry: You didn't.  
  
Margaret: I did.  
  
Jerry: Why?  
  
Margaret: I miss prison life.  
  
Jerry: Prison life, how could you miss that.  
  
Margaret: You don't know how great it is, every meal taken care of, medical, a library the camaraderie. Of course you have to make sure you don't get stabbed on the toilet but now with the this pack of Kriapers Kramer gave me I should have nothing to worry about.  
  
Jerry: Just like that.  
  
Margaret walks out of the apartment.  
  
The buzzer sounds.  
  
Jerry: Yeah.  
  
Elaine: It's Elaine.  
  
Jerry hits the button and opens his door.  
  
Elaine enters Jerrys apartment.  
  
Elaine: Where's Margaret  
  
Jerry: On her way to Rikers Island for a return engagement.  
  
Elaine: What happened?  
  
Jerry: She robbed the bank on the corner and is now turning her self in.  
  
Elaine: Really?  
  
Jerry: Said she missed prison life.  
  
Elaine: How could you miss prison life. I can see missing collage life or your sex life.  
  
Jerry: I guess you can take the girl out of prison but cant take prison out of the girl. I'll miss her though.  
  
Elaine: You slept with her didn't you .  
  
Jerry: Oh yeah, she then walked out of my life with fifty G's and a bag of Kriapers.  
  
Elaine: Sure it wasn't the sex?  
  
Jerry: Oh I'm sure.  
  
Elaine: Speaking of Kriapers where's Kramer?  
  
Kramer enters Jerry's apartment his pants are all torn and burned his hair is standing up.  
  
Jerry:: Kramer what happened and what's that smell?  
  
Kramer: My Kriaper exploded.  
  
Elaine: Peterman was right! The mixture of human waste added with the chemical used in diapers then left milling and mix that with human flatulence causes an explosion.  
  
Kramer: You ain't whistling mama. As I was crossing fifth Ave my stomach rumbled the next thing I know I'm five feet in the air and on fire.  
  
Jerry: Frank Costanza was wearing a pair of them when he got on the plane plus he ate a bowl of chili in the airport.  
  
Elaine looks over at the TV.  
  
Elaine: Turn that up.  
  
Newswoman: There was a major scare on a NY Yankee private plane from New York to Las Vegas when an attempted suicide bombers plans went a rye. Apparently his diaper contained what experts are saying was a load of explosives.  
  
Jerry: Oh boy!  
  
Kramer: Not diaper Kriaper!  
  
News woman: Lets go live to Las Vegas International airport where we have a reporter on the ground.  
  
In handcuffs is Frank Costanza his hair is all messed up his pants are blown off his shirt is ripped. He has two FBI agents on each side of him.  
  
Reporter: Do you have any thing to say?  
  
Frank: I'm not a terrorists! It was my Diaper I don't know what happened! I stood up and let slip a little gas the next thing I know BLAM!  
  
FBI Agent: Lets go.  
  
Frank: I'm innocent!! Kramer!!  
  
Reporter: Where told the Bomb Squad is on board scouring the plane for additional explosives.  
  
Kramer: That cant be good for George.  
  
Jerry: That cant be good for any one.  
  
****  
  
In side the Las Vegas Police department George is in a room with an FBI agent standing over him.  
  
FBI Agent Muldoon: Let me get this straight it was your fathers diaper that exploded.  
  
George: It had to be, why would my father be carrying explosives.  
  
Muldoon: I don't know why?  
  
George: Exactly, he wouldn't. You know what happens when people reach a certain age the mind starts going along with their bowels. I'm sure your going through it with your father.  
  
Muldoon: My father died when I was a baby.  
  
George: That's a shame. You want mine?  
  
The door opens and another agent peaks his head in.  
  
Agent 2: Muldoon let him go.  
  
Muldoon: What's up.  
  
Agent 2: We just got back the test results on the diaper, it was caused by a buildup of methane gas in his diaper.  
  
Muldoon looks over at George.  
  
Muldoon: Your free to go.  
  
George stands up.  
  
George: Is my father being released also?  
  
Agent 2: He was let go a few hours ago.  
  
George: Is he here.  
  
Agent2: Said something about taking your place at some awards dinner.  
  
George: Oh my god!  
  
This is where the end commercial would be, before the last minute of the show and credits. I do this only because it makes it easy to wind up the story.  
  
Inside a large ballroom people are sitting at tables dressed in gowns and tuxedos there are TV cameras.  
  
Announcer: To accept for George Steinbrenner for outstanding baseball team is George Costanza.  
  
Frank Costanza walks up on the stage.  
  
Frank: Thank you, Let me just say I didn't think I would make it here since my adult diaper exploded on the plane. Let me also say to all of you owners out there, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE CHARGING SEVEN DOLLARS FOR A BEER! THAT'S ROBBERY! AND YOU STEINBRENNER YOU PAY YOUR PLAYERS MILLIONS YET COULDN'T SEND A CAR TO TAKE ME TO THE AIRPORT YOU CHEAP BASTARD!  
  
Steinbrenners is watching the awards show in his office.  
  
Steinbrenner: CONTANZA!  
  
George is watching in the police station.  
  
George: Oh no, LOCK ME BACK UP!  
  
Jerry is in his living room watching the awards show on TV with Kramer sitting next to him.  
  
Jerry: Feel like ordering Chinese?  
  
Kramer: Giddyup  
  
Newman is sitting behind a table at the Eighth Ave buffet on his ninth plate of food. He hears his stomach growl and them lifts his right but cheek up.  
  
Newman: I think I should of stopped at thirty Buffalo wings. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  
  
Kaboooooooooooooom.  
  
The End 


End file.
